Cannabis was my bestie, but we had a falling out.
Let me start by saying I am not anti-cannabis. I recognize and appreciate the value it has for many folks. She is a powerful medicine and can be helpful for many different ailments and reasons, even just for a good giggle, when used properly.
It all started for me when I was 14, and I got high for the first time. I loved it, I laughed and enjoyed it with my friends. I felt so connected to nature and felt insight into who I am. I used it daily, from day one. Everything was fine and dandy, I had good grades, played sports, and volunteered. I was, and always have been a well rounded person, that made for an easy justification to keep going!
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Cannabis was always there for me, I used it when happy, sad, bored, angry, overwhelmed, excited, tired. She became my best friend. I lived like that for almost 25 years. “I could stop anytime,” I said if I wanted to. I completed yoga teacher training and quit for 3 whole months, I must not be an addict. I can just have one puff again. One lead to another and more often again. There is a saying “1 is too many and 1000 is never enough.” I resonate with that in a big way.
As time went on, tolerance grew and a couple of traumatic events including the sudden death of my brother happened, and next thing you know I am smoking 15-20 big joints a day to myself! I started to resent myself and wonder who I would be without it. Would fun still exist? What would I do with my friends? They all knew me as the one to smoke with!
I knew I had a problem when I was coughing up phlegm that was almost black, and coughing so hard I was peeing myself all the time! (super embarrassing to admit, I know!) I would tell myself “go to bed it’s almost midnight” but then would watch my hands rolling up another one. In the end, I was chain-smoking. I started to hate myself. It didn’t help that I was feeling like a fraud because I also was attending the Vipassana meditation center and telling them I was not doing any intoxicants, but really I was high all the time.
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That was my rock bottom, feeling like a liar and constantly wondering what life would be without it. One day, I was headed to the center and told myself don’t get high today. I did. I never heard a voice so loud in my head saying “I hate you!” One day of that was enough to get me rid of all my stash and quit. I made it three days before I was ready to head to 99 North Cannabis when my friend popped over and told me there was a 12-step meeting down the street starting in 15 minutes. I thought, why would I go there? Ha! So glad I did. I met a fantastic community of people who really cared and celebrated every day of my sobriety! I love my new friends.
This Spring, it will be two years since my last dance with Mary Jane, and although I don’t regret the past, I am happy to have changed my future. It turns out I am still fun, if not more because I am more present. I have more energy, I move through emotions quicker, and I am so happy about the vivid dreams I have every night. I have been trying things I always wanted but was too stoned to bother, like rock climbing. (Hello, I live in Squamish!)
I love my career, where I connect with youth and share my experiences so that they may not have to learn the hard way. I find myself going to the gym a couple times a week! I think about the future and plan more for it. I love myself. I even booked a trip with my mom for her 70th birthday this fall. Old Ashling would not have been this organized or had the extra money to make that happen, it wouldn’t have gone further than just the idea.
I feel clear, calm and grounded. I feel that the opposite of addiction is connection–not just to my community, but also to myself.
Ashling has lived in Squamish for the last 10 years and recently completed her diploma in Applied Psychology specializing in Professional Counselling from KCPC in Kelowna. She currently works at Sea to Sky Community Services as a Youth Worker in the Foundry building. She hosts the Death Cafe in Squamish, meditates daily, enjoys hiking and cold water dips, and learning more about herself.
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